I Only Want What Is Fair  

I only want what is fair.

I want what is best for my kids.

I don’t want to hurt my spouse.

I want to avoid a court battle and all the legendary pandemonium.

I don’t want the divorce to drag on forever.

I definitely don’t want it to cost an arm and a leg.

While some parties do seek vengeance and retribution during divorce, most people do not fundamentally desire the additional pain and expense of fighting it out in court. Once they get over the shock of the divorce, their preference is generally to get on with their lives as quickly and as smoothly as possible.

At least, that’s what they say, and I believe most soon-to-be ex-spouses mean it.

You intend to be fair and you buy into our partner’s assurances that he or she also plans on being “fair.” (If you know of someone whose partner didn’t start out promising to be fair, contact “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” at once.) We are hurting and we need to believe that our spouse is not planning on adding to our hurt. The promise of fairness relieves some of the pain and confirms our ability to judge human nature.

These mutual promises have another benefit. They make it easier to tell our family and friends about the divorce. They also buy us some time before we have to face the possibility that they may have been right about our marriage partner all along,  and we have to hear the I told you so.

The news is not as devastating to our family when the soon-to-be ex promises to be fair.

Our “Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy” anesthesia typically wears off at the same time our better half announces that “fair” means they should get our half, too. This is when the trouble starts, and this is when we must conduct ourselves in a manner that pays dividends – a manner that we were never taught.

So, how do you get through your divorce with minimum pain and expense? For most of us, the answer lies in how we behave during the divorce. This is a problem because society never gave us divorce lessons. It seems we are constantly told how to behave during our marriages, but no one ever tells us how to conduct ourselves during divorce.

A sensible way to learn something is by accepting guidance from someone who already knows it. When we want to learn how to knit, drive, play the piano or use karate, we find an expert and take lessons. Need tax help? We talk to a CPA. 

This series of Articles will reveal what professional negotiators do to convince their own spouses to accept a compromise settlement.

Our divorce rate indicates that we are not doing very well staying married. And judging by the length, expense, drama, and trauma of the average divorce, it looks like we, as a nation, aren’t much better at becoming unmarried.

Marriage is difficult by nature, but divorce isn’t. Getting divorced is mostly difficult by choice. The trick is to not get in our own way.

And so we buy into our spouse’s assurances that he or she plans on being “fair.” (If you know of someone whose partner didn’t start out promising to be fair, contact “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” at once.) We are hurting and we need to believe that our spouse is not planning on adding to our hurt. The promise of fairness relieves some of the pain and confirms our ability to judge human nature.

It makes it easier to tell our family and friends about the divorce. Plus, we are not in a hurry to face the possibility that they may have been right about our marriage partner all along. The promise to be fair buys us some time before we deal with the possibility of hearing I told you so.

The news is not as devastating to our family when the soon-to-be ex promises to be fair.

Our “Mr. or Mrs. Nice Guy” anesthesia typically wears off at the same time our better half announces that “fair” means they should get our half, too.